I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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