I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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