I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
