Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I need water and some morals
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
