i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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