No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
