Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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