Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
