You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
