I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Randomize
