Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize