i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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