it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
