you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
