Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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