12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Randomize
