If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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