My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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