It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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