I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
