A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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