you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
