I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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