very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
