my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
