apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Walk of Shame today included voting.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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