just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
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