he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
