Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize