My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
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my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
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I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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