would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
