I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
