the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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