how hairy? two words: wookie tits
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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