just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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