I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Randomize
