what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
