we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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