my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
