considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
