having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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