I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
