I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
