I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
