i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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