just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
