i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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