the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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