Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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