Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Vodka?
Forever.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
