Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I need to sanitize my soul.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
