I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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