ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
