Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
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Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
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Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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