Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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