I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
