Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
