so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
