I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
