So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
